I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
