Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
