I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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