dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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