dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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