I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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