I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize