Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
