What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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