He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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