Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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