I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
