This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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