I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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