Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
