I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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