Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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