She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
