Who did Billy Mays play for?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
