Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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