Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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