at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
