Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
