No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
