Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
