I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
