I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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