I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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