Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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