i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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