just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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