The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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