went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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