We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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