Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
