so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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