i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
