you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
