hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
