So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
