part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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