I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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