The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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