True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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