it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
