I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
