i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
