was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
