i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
