I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize