listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
