idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize