You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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