the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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