They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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