hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
