Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
